All posts by Melinda Longoria, MSM

Author - Masters of Science in Business Management with Leadership studies from Texas A&M University.

King Joffrey is My Bad Boss HERO! – Game of Thrones

King Joffrey

King Joffrey is My Bad Boss HERO! – Game of Thrones

King Joffrey is my bad boss hero! His Game of Thrones character can teach us a lot about how to get ahead of the corporate game early, secure the best career adviser,  be a bad boss; or the office tyrant:

Get ahead of the game early. – Claw your way to the top before anyone else! Use any means necessary to secure your position. So what you if you don’t know how to lead, you can learn later. Because, everything you already know came from your mother; which brings us to our second point.

Learn the best strategies from your mother. – Since you’ve secured your position early, you will need to call your mom to discuss any work-related questions. Do not rely on your own work experiences or  critical thinking skills, because at this point you have none. Trust no one else but your mom; in fact…

Violence solves problems. – Since you are such an inexperienced leader, you will need to use violence to secure your authority and power from position. Your mom likes drama, so this behavior should please her.

Anyone who has wisdom or morality above your own deserves scorn. – These people should be seen as a threat. Their scholarly opinions, goodwill, and kindness makes you look bad. No one deserves our respect or honor.

Whine about everything! – If your project or anything in your department fails, go on the defense.

  • “Don’t look at me!”
  • “It’s ugly out there!”
  • “I don’t want to talk about it!”

Ill-Treatment is deserving of those who are beneath us. –

  • “Fire him! Fire all of them; I command it!”
  • “Go back out there and do your job!”

Tattling to upper management to get rid of competition. – If anyone becomes a threat, or you just don’t like them, go to upper management and tell them a story; even if you have to make one up.

Break Promises. Say one thing; and do the complete opposite. Tell your subordinate they did a great job on the task; you will let upper management know about it, but don’t. Offer a raise to increase productivity; & then go back on your word. Say they can have the day off; but then schedule them for the shift.

…and finally…

Don’t accept insults, always remind them who is boss…

 

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously.

How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! – The Bad Boss Way

How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! –

The Bad Boss Way

Let’s be honest, there is no set procedure for firing employees in the Bad Boss’s office. Some of my colleagues say that firing someone is never fun, but I disagree. It’s a necessary part of my job that I’ve perfected. As an executive, I’ve fired as much as 500 employees. But, I really take pleasure in firing just one.

How to Fire an Employee - You're Fired - The Bad Boss WayMy two favorite words to say at the office, “You’re Fired”. There are many reasons for firing employees.

  1. Who did you vote for? “You’re Fired”.
  2. That’s my parking spot, “You’re Fired”.
  3. You got hurt on the job? “You’re Fired”.
  4. That skirt isn’t short enough, “You’re Fired”.
  5. I said that I wanted a decaf latte, “You’re Fired”.
  6. You’ve gained too much weight, “You’re Fired.”
  7. The printer is jammed, fix it or…”You’re Fired.”
  8. You looked at me the wrong way, “You’re Fired”.
  9. Just falsify those insurance claims, or…”You’re Fired”.
  10. You took off work to care for your sick parent? “You’re Fired”.
  11. You got in a car accident and can’t do your job? “You’re Fired”.
  12. You smell like you haven’t had a bath in a week, “You’re Fired.”
  13. The lie detector test is mandatory. You declined, so…”You’re Fired.”
  14. Unsafe working conditions are not the problem here. “You’re Fired”.
  15. You got pregnant? I’m not paying for your medical leave, “You’re Fired.”
  16. Refusing to take blame for my failed project is unacceptable, “You’re Fired.”
  17. Human Resources said that you’ve been complaining about me. “You’re FIred”.
  18. I need to get some young blood in, and as the oldest loser here, I’m afraid, “Your Fired.”

Rules to follow when Firing an Employee…

There are a few rules that I personally follow, as a bad boss, when firing an employee.

Go through the motion of firing the employee like you’re a robot. Never make eye contact! But, if you enjoy it, then look them straight in the eyes with distaste while you are doing it. Don’t explain yourself. “You’re Fired,” is a self explanatory statement. There is never a need to soften the blow by thanking them for their efforts or apologizing. Having a member of Human Resources involved the conversation is not necessary, as firing an employee is usually just a spur-of-the-moment decision. Give them about five seconds, to process the information, before walking away or motioning for them to leave your office. If your freshly terminated employee has any questions, direct them to the HR office so that you do not have to be present during any uncomfortable conversations.

‘You’re Fired’ Gift Cards…

Why not get some ‘You’re Fired’ Gift cards printed and keep a collection in your office? You can use these to send to people who work at another location, who are on vacation, or you can put them in the mail if you have a lot of people to fire in a day and don’t want to hear all that wailing and screaming.

Firing Employees by Social Media…

Also, I think now with social media it is acceptable to not only fire people by card, but also by email, text message, tweet, and facebook post. This way all their friends will know at the same time, saving your terminants from having to break the bad news to friends, partners, and colleagues.

Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and not to be take seriously. Nearly all of the reasons for firing an employee listed above are illegal. To learn the right way to let an employee go, please view the links below:

 How to Fire Someone – The Right Way…

Conducting a Job Interview – The Bad Boss Way

Interview

Conducting a Job Interview – How to Be a Bad Boss.

First, get yourself prepared for the interview. Call in all the job applicants on the same day to sit in a lobby area that is crowded. Do not schedule specific time slots for each interviewee based on their availability. If they really want the job, they will make their whole day open. The extra waiting time also makes the candidates nervous as they eyeball each other and wonder who is better qualified for the position. Have your secretary make note of anyone who is visibly sweating. This person may crack under pressure and would be a liability to your team. Dismiss that person immediately.

The interview introduction.

Make the candidate aware that you are not interested in friendly chit chat. Humanizing the interview process is not a priority right now. Start by saying, “Listen, I have fifty other candidates sitting in my lobby waiting to be interviewed for this job. We are short on time today so let’s just get started, what is your name again?” Even though you ask for their name, don’t ever address them by their name at any time during the interview. This distinguishes a barrier between the boss and potential employee. You may ask for their name again at any time during the interview. Don’t smile or make any friendly gestures like hand shaking.

Talk about YOU; not them…

Next, catch them off-guard and start talking about yourself; not the interviewee. This is a direct contradiction of what you just said about not having time for friendly chit-chat. Express your mental thoughts about yourself allowed and see how he reacts. Talk about the company, your job, your background, and anything but the interviewee. Throw in some random questions about these topics and then appear that the interviewee gave the wrong answer to whatever question you asked. Make sure that your facial expressions are sour and of distaste or disappointment. If the job applicant starts to get nervous, point this out, and dismiss him immediately.

Hammer them with inappropriate interview questions.

If the job applicant makes it through your monologue without becoming nervous, the next step is to ask inappropriate questions about the job applicant himself. Inappropriate questions are usually the best at revealing if this person will be compatible with your personal tastes. When they sit down, automatically say, “You have three seconds to answer each question. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.” If they answer with more than two or three words, interrupt them with the next question.

  • “Are you a U.S. Citizen?”
  • “What is your native tongue?”
  • “What religion are you?”
  • “How old are you?”
  • “Do you have children?”
  • “How much do you weigh?”
  • “Do you live nearby?”
  • “What’s your sexual preference?”
  • “Are you married or seeing anyone?”
  • “What do you think about interoffice dating?”

Wrap the job interview up….

At this point, if you find that you don’t like the job applicant’s answers to any of your questions, ask them to leave immediately. Tell them that they are not suited for your job based on their answers. IF you still want to consider the applicant, now is a good time to wrap the interview up. Do not ask the candidate if they have any questions about the job they are interviewing for. This will prolong your interview. These types of things can be discussed later. Take a personal call and wave in your secretary to take the interviewee out of your office. She will explain that you will be in touch, but without giving a specific time frame for this possible communication.

Bad Job Interview…

Disclaimer: Bad boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously. For a guide on how to correctly conduct a job interview, check out these two links below:

HubPages

10 Leadership Quotes – Things Bad Bosses Say

bad boss quotes1

 10 Things that Bad Bosses Say…

1) “That’s a dumb idea.” There’s nothing more empowering than making someone feel dumb. Impressing upon others how inferior they are will feed your prestige and strength. Especially in a highly competitive setting, you can use this phrase to your advantage to intimidate and keep the rivalry at bay. Employees rarely point out that they are dumb. So why not point it out for them? You don’t pay them to think.

2) “That skirt is really nice on you”. – Women like to be complimented. As a bad boss, appearance should be your first filter to judge any female employee’s level of competence. Always take notice of their appearance. Compliments improve their self esteem, alert them of your expectations for office attire, and improve your office atmosphere. The shorter the skirt, the more praises you give. It’s a behavior reinforcing technique.

3) “This is the way we’ve always done it.” – Avoiding change is one key trait to leading as a bad boss. Change is bad. There is never a need for change. If it’s not broken, why fix it? The current way of doing things works well…most of the time. Employees shouldn’t be so bold as to question the status quo. Changes to routines take time and energy that you don’t have. Mind your comfort zones, people!

4) “That sounds like a personal problem”. – As a bad boss, you will find that employees frequently come to you with their problems. This is not your problem. This is their problem. They need to figure this out on their own time; not time that you are paying them to work. However, you can also use this phrase when the problem is work related and you don’t want to deal with it.

5) “I didn’t write the policy. I just enforce it.” – Oftentimes, employees will complain because they don’t agree with the office policies. Voicing an opinion and making waves on behalf of your employees is a bad idea. This may put a target on the back of your own head. Senior management may try to label you as a troublemaker.

6) “Just figure it out!” – How many times has an employee come to you asking for your help? Employees should be able to find solutions themselves. They should be able to use their brains. You are paying them to do a job and should not have to hold their hand for any step of the way. If an employee consistently approaches you with questions, look for a reason to early terminate.

7) “Who gave you permission to do that?” – Employees should always follow orders, directions, and office policies. There is no room for gray area. As a bad boss, we do not encourage outside-of-the-box thinkers. If employees want to do something, they should ask. They should even ask to use the restroom! Hierarchy and permission are important!

8) “Stop what you are doing, and DO THIS NOW!” – As a bad boss, anything that you need takes priority over anything that your employee is doing. In effect, you’re teaching them better time management skills by filling their plate. They should learn to juggle all these things and still meet your pre-determined deadline.

9) “I received some anonymous feedback about you.” – Whenever a concern is brought to you by an employee, you should address it with the offending worker in question. This is called conflict resolution. As a bad boss, you should always believe hearsay and confront the issue immediately with a judgmental attitude.

10) “If you don’t want this job, I will find someone who does!” – Employees may begin to forget their place in your office. It is important to remind them often that they are expendable. There are many candidates standing in line for their current position. Make them feel like their job is always in peril. In this economy, they’re lucky to have a job at all. This should be reason enough to work harder.

Stuff Managers Say…

 

Disclaimer: Bad Boss is meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously.

HubPages