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Houdini – The Disappearing Act

Houdini Act

My employees call me the Houdini…because I am a great escape artist…they can never find me…just the way I like it.

When it comes to planning an excellent disappearing act,

we can learn a lot from RATS.

Just open your cage door and let yourself OUT!

Ladies and gents, the moment that you have all been waiting for! The great disappearing act! Who’s ready to see this spectacular finale? What a lively crowd! Alright folks let the magic begin! Here’s how to escape your office like a rat!

Look at me… I am Houdini-ing like a boss!!

When I am in a tough situation, my survival instincts kick in. The more stressful the situation, the better. Houdini-ing is a lost art form, so as bosses, we should embrace our inner cat-like reflexes, skitter out of there, and hide somewhere safe.

cat hiding

There are dangerous factors about being a boss. If I wasn’t able to escape certain situations, I would be be mangled and potentially killed. So far, at work, I’ve nearly drowned myself in paperwork and senior management have almost blown my ear off with phone calls.

That’s right, Houdini-ing may save your bottom! It could be game over, for real. Some great places to hide… (where they will never find you)…

  • In your car.
  • Under your desk!
  • In an empty meeting room.

And next time a member of senior management calls, just have your secretary say, “He is not available right now”.

While you’re hiding, always be thinking positive. If you focus on what could go wrong, if you panic, it will go wrong.

 

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not to be taken seriously.

The Power of Fear

chasedThose who say fear is not a motivator have clearly have never been chased by a Lion.  We always run our fastest when we run from something we fear, hence fear is a very good motivator.

Fear can cause us to reach new heights as we adopt the fight or flight response with those of us who choose to fight, finding ways to achieve our new goals.

For the people who choose flight they are usually weak and their departure is no loss to us at all, and if they can’t leave, then that have no choice but to fight, so this approach can be win win for us.

Fear not only helps us drive the teams to new goals, it can also significantly increase peoples respect for us. As one of my heroes, Niccolo Machiavelli, says ‘It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved’.

To create a successful organisation we need to create a culture of fear, a culture where people are on constantly on red alert and always ready to fight, ready to run that extra mile, in order to achieve our success.

firing squad blackadderWhen it comes to creating a culture of fear we need to remember that we only need to shoot one person to get the attention of everyone else, this one small act can be used to motivate the entire organisation.

To do this though we need to choose the right candidate, firing some nobody for failing will not have the effect we desire. We need to find a well respected member of staff and then fire them at their first failure.

When we do that, we have sent out two really strong messages

  1. Failure will not be tolerated
  2. Nobody is safe

This will keep everyone on their toes and will show that failure is not an option.

Now we are well on our way to creating a winning organisation.

‘There is no limit to what a leader can achieve when they know how to use fear correctly’. – Bad Boss.

Gordon Tredgold

Disclaimer: This site is meant for fun, and none of these recommendation should be followed, they are meant purely for entertainment. Use of fear should never be used or tolerated and is sackable offence.

How to Deal with a Bully Boss…


Chronically Late

Chronically Late

Once you become a boss, the rules don’t apply to you anymore. That’s what I think, anyway. One rule that I don’t have to observe is the rule to be on time. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am to follow rules. As a manager, I should be entitled to certain privileges, and not having to follow the clock is one of them. I’ve earned this. I am always late.

I’m late to work in the morning, late to meetings, and lunches are my time, buddy. Don’t expect me to rush through lunch hour or scarf down my steak and potatoes to put out a fire. Whatever is going on in my office, it can wait. I can make my staff wait if I want to.

Time is money; and MY time is valuable. Don’t expect any apologies from me. This is the way that I display and exercise my power.

Leadership and setting the example? Yes, I keep my staff in line when it comes to making sure they get to the office on time. My motto is: “Do what I say, and not what I do.” If my staff want the same privileges that I have, they need to work for it; and in turn, they will become managers themselves.

Meetings – Why should I schedule buffer time between meetings or cancel if I am running late? When it comes to meetings you have two options: wait for me or don’t head to the meeting until you see me moving in that direction. But never, EVER, start the meeting without ME. A meeting that can’t start without me is a meeting that’s worth MY time.

Disclaimer: Punctuality should apply to everyone. A leader sets the example by DOING; not TELLING. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace. 

Bribery, Kickbacks, and Payoffs in Procurement

Bribe Handshake

Should I accept bribes, kickbacks, and payoffs? Of course!

Why? Because I get free stuff.

I am very honest when dealing with vendors and suppliers who want to do business with me. Since honesty is my greatest trait, I inform them up front that bribes, kickbacks and payoffs influence my decision to do business with them. Since choosing a vendor or supplier can be a tedious and difficult task, evaluating which ones provide the best bribes helps differentiate them.

Since each supplier competing with each other will offer the same basic services or goods, accepting bribes makes choosing one so much easier. Why make my job harder by researching quotes and evaluating service contracts? I’m a boss, I’ve got better things to do.

A great haggling tactic I use is to double book appointments between competitors. So while two potential vendors are sitting in the waiting room sizing each other up, I am entertaining the first one. I then escort the first vendor into the lobby and greet the second one by his company name. I then tell the third vendor I will be with him shortly. Introducing this honest competition will encourage ambition and up the quality of gifts offered. The best part is that since all bidders are paying for my influence, only one of them will get it. And I get to keep ALL the gifts whether they win or lose.

To eliminate any possible confusion, I provide a shopping list to each supplier or vendor. Some examples are:

  • liquor
  • gourmet food
  • concert tickets
  • expensive suits
  • sporting event tickets
  • all expense paid vacations
  • use of corporate vehicles
  • children’s designer clothes
  • and envelopes filled with cash.

Disclaimer: Accepting bribes, kickbacks, and payoffs is illegal. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.