- Sometimes you swear that your boss is Attila, The Hun’s great, great, grandson. He loves to torment, brow-beat his employees, and it strikes you as strange for how he picks you for his “games of pain.” But, since the economy is nearly in the toilet, you value your job so much that you endure his abuse like the fearful man that you are.
- Your boss is the only man that the Devil, God’s arch enemy, prays that your demented boss will not be sent to Hell. For even the Devil cannot compete with his cruelty and cold-hearted displays of calculated-brutality.
- Sadly, the owner of your company fears your bad boss so much that he is afraid to fire him, because he knows where the CEO and his family live. Even the sharpest and cold-hearted hit-men have turned down bales of cash to “take care of your boss.”
- The term pure evil is not even close to describing your bad boss. He strolls into the office every morning boasting about how many women he was with the night before. His wife, who also fears him, never questions him about anything or anyone when he drags himself home at dawn.
- Your bad boss’s team of wimpy yes-men are by him like Robin Hood’s Merry Men. They agree with every word that flies out of his vulgar mouth. Sometimes he comes out of his plush office and stands with hands on his bulging hips and beats his chest bellowing, “Listen, underlings! I am here to tell you that “I” best not catch any of you slacking, or your butt is gone!” Then he sneers as he crawls back into his office to finish the fifth of whiskey he started at 10 a.m.
- You have been a devoted employee for over 22 years (suffering in silence for being ridiculed and mentally-abused). You grieve with depression at knowing that you are the only employee that your “bottom-feeder” of a boss curses-out for no reason. Did you see that? No reason.
- One day last month you were actually happy. Truthfully, you were the happiest that you had been in weeks. Simply because of your people skills and integrity, a new client chose your company over another competitor. But as soon as you came back from taking the client to a late afternoon meal, your boss embarrassed you in front of the staff, and the new client, by chewing your butt for not inviting him, “the backbone” of the company, as he tells the new client that employees call him. He looks at the staff and they all say, “You are right, boss,” in pure harmony.
- Your wife, sadly, recalls…one year at the company Christmas party, during his acceptance speech for being “The Most-Productive Branch Manager of The Year,” your low-life boss refers to you several times as his personal “scapegoat,” who he can count on to take the blame for mistakes made during the course of a workday.
- Then your precious, doting wife also recalls hanging her head and weeping as you were laughed at by this “vermin” of a boss, by the employees and their families. She prays to God that very night that someone will hatch a plan for you to be a man at home and at work. Mostly at work.
- So, my humble friend, please feel free to use these ideas that I respectfully recall . . .
“Six Easy Ideas to Keep You From Being Chewed Out by The Boss”
1. WHEN HE GETS “THAT” LOOK – on his face that means it is time for your daily-chewing, let him get started. “Arthur, you know that contract that . . .” Then interrupt him. “I am familiar with that contract that “you” won for the company for being so experienced, was just on my mind and I was on my way to my desk to order you and your wife a dinner at “Charlie’s,” tonight. See how nice he becomes.
2. KEEP PICTURES – of gorgeous women in your pocket and whip one out when the boss starts barking at you, and say, “Sir. This lady was in our lobby asking for you just now.” Watch this abusing worm vanish. But, when he returns more-angry at you, for her being gone, you calmly say, “Boss, she said that if she was gone, she would
call you tomorrow.” Tomorrow, he will not leave his office because he is waiting on her call that will never come.
3. BE SURE TO BACK DOWN – from an over-armed enemy such as your evil boss. “Arthur! Why did you show-up two minutes late today?” Respond by saying, “You are right. I need to be faster in the mornings.” So, to show him up, come in the next day an hour early. Then to make him squirm, say, “The CEO asked why I was here an hour early and I told him that I loved my job so much that I couldn’t wait to report to work.”
4. FAKE FAINTING – is good to avoid a butt-chewing. As soon as the boss starts chewing you, suddenly fall to the floor like a stone. Your boss will be ashamed of being the reason that you fainted. But just as the EMT’s ask you why you fainted, look at the boss and enjoy him sweating with worry that you might tell them it was his fault.
Note: You might master the art of falling before you try this one, to keep yourself from being injured.
5. ASK SENSELESS QUESTIONS – to divert the boss’ tantrums. “Hey, Arthur! I hate it when you wear that brown suit!” Your reply should be, “Oh, sir, did you say last week that you were promoted to boss faster than anyone in this company?” The boss’ huge ego will kick-in and he will start rattling-off boring stories of his climb up the corporate ladder.
6. MASTER INSINCERITY – just before you get brow-beaten, say, “Boss, did a dog bite you this morning? Your leg looks swollen.” Then kneel down to check it out. Then request a coworker to call the Animal Bite Center to see if the boss might have rabies. (While you pray that your boss believes it).