The Bad Boss Performance Review
Prior to the employee’s performance review, discuss how the employee is doing with other managers or subordinates in the office. The point is to spread gossip and allow the employee to catch wind of your perspective in order to give them a head start on their rebuttal. If you don’t like the employee, this will also make them very nervous, which should make you (the bad boss) happy. 😉
Moral support! The first rule of giving performance reviews is to have someone included in the meeting who is on your side. You can bring in anyone into this meeting that you want. Bring in a colleague from another department, your girlfriend, or even your best friend, “Mr. Wiggles”, your pit bull dog.
Have a camera man on standby to record each job performance review so that you have a documentation of the proceedings. If the employee messes up again, you now have a video that you can replay for them to recall the previous conversations on the issue.
During the performance review, be as vague as you possibly can. This will ensure that the employee does not become uncomfortable during your proceedings. You might say things like, “We’d like to see you do better”, but don’t indicate what they need to work on.
Bring up things in the performance review from months or years back. The employee will have a hard time remembering these occurrences. Therefore, they will be at a loss as to how to respond to your accusations.
Intimidating facial expressions and body language are important! Know when to use them! Keep your employees guessing and instill fear so that they will be less likely to question you or defend themselves. Some facial expressions and body language to practice, prior to the performance review, are: crossing your arms, scowling, squinting, & shaking your head in disgust.
Next, hearsay is the best indicator of an employee’s performance. Make sure to point out any hearsay and third party reports about the employee that has been brought to your attention. Ensure that you discuss specific names of those who are making the allegations so that confrontations can proceed after the hearing.
If the employee does try to defend himself, just cut them off mid sentence and let them know that you are short on time. If they continue to press the issue, hand them a blank document and ask the employee to fill out their own performance review. This will give you an idea of the employee’s perspective. Ask the employee to be completely honest when filling out the document. Plus, it will occupy their time while they try to identify their own strengths and weaknesses. Allow employees to question each other on how they think they are doing.
Above all, never feel obligated to give an employee a perfect score. This is an impossible achievement for anyone. Also, just because an employee is doing well on their performance review, you should not be cornered into giving them a raise for their hard work. To avoid raises completely, always find something wrong with everyone!
As a bad boss, it is your job to bust every optimistic bubble and glimpse of hope in the office.
An Awkward Performance Review…
Disclaimer: Bad boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously. Articles on the subject of performance reviews:
- Forbes by Eric Jackson: Ten Biggest Mistakes Bosses Make In Performance Reviews.
- Nolo Law for All: How to Conduct Employee Evaluations.
- About.com by Susan M. Heathfield: 10 Tips for Effective Performance Reviews.
- Hubpages by UMHiram: Performance Reviews… Is it an Important Tool for Organizations?