My employees call me the Houdini…because I am a great escape artist…they can never find me…just the way I like it.
When it comes to planning an excellent disappearing act,
we can learn a lot from RATS.
Just open your cage door and let yourself OUT!
Ladies and gents, the moment that you have all been waiting for! The great disappearing act! Who’s ready to see this spectacular finale? What a lively crowd! Alright folks let the magic begin! Here’s how to escape your office like a rat!
Look at me… I am Houdini-ing like a boss!!
When I am in a tough situation, my survival instincts kick in. The more stressful the situation, the better. Houdini-ing is a lost art form, so as bosses, we should embrace our inner cat-like reflexes, skitter out of there, and hide somewhere safe.
There are dangerous factors about being a boss. If I wasn’t able to escape certain situations, I would be be mangled and potentially killed. So far, at work, I’ve nearly drowned myself in paperwork and senior management have almost blown my ear off with phone calls.
That’s right, Houdini-ing may save your bottom! It could be game over, for real. Some great places to hide… (where they will never find you)…
- In your car.
- Under your desk!
- In an empty meeting room.
And next time a member of senior management calls, just have your secretary say, “He is not available right now”.
While you’re hiding, always be thinking positive. If you focus on what could go wrong, if you panic, it will go wrong.
Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not to be taken seriously.
Once you become a boss, the rules don’t apply to you anymore. That’s what I think, anyway. One rule that I don’t have to observe is the rule to be on time. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am to follow rules. As a manager, I should be entitled to certain privileges, and not having to follow the clock is one of them. I’ve earned this. I am always late.
I’m late to work in the morning, late to meetings, and lunches are my time, buddy. Don’t expect me to rush through lunch hour or scarf down my steak and potatoes to put out a fire. Whatever is going on in my office, it can wait. I can make my staff wait if I want to.
Time is money; and MY time is valuable. Don’t expect any apologies from me. This is the way that I display and exercise my power.
Leadership and setting the example? Yes, I keep my staff in line when it comes to making sure they get to the office on time. My motto is: “Do what I say, and not what I do.” If my staff want the same privileges that I have, they need to work for it; and in turn, they will become managers themselves.
Meetings – Why should I schedule buffer time between meetings or cancel if I am running late? When it comes to meetings you have two options: wait for me or don’t head to the meeting until you see me moving in that direction. But never, EVER, start the meeting without ME. A meeting that can’t start without me is a meeting that’s worth MY time.
Disclaimer: Punctuality should apply to everyone. A leader sets the example by DOING; not TELLING. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.
My kids are well behaved and adorable, yet my employees complain when I bring them to work. I work in a business which has a strict policy against this, but I am the boss. I call the shots here in my office. Free childcare is on my agenda.
Do my kids interfere with my secretary’s ability to do her job? Do I care? More than likely they are with me because their regular daycare has asked me to pick them up due to a high fever, which is out of my control. My secretary just needs to focus on the rules that I have set for her when caring for my children to avoid a meltdown.
- Do not correct my kids. Sure, little Billy chases you around and yells, “You’re fired!” He is my protege and will someday follow in my footsteps.
- Give them what they want. If Susie asks for that candy bar, highlighter, or paper on your desk; better hand it over. Susie is used to getting what she wants.
- Count to ten. If my kids start getting loud by hollering or running around the office, just count to ten. Counting warns them that their behavior is unacceptable.
- The Paper Shredder. Keep both of my kids away from the paper shredder. Last time Susie jammed cardboard in. It was throwing sparks and smoking when I used it.
- Potty training. We are in the process of potty training Susie. If she says that she has to go, that absolutely can’t wait! She will go in her pants.
- Snot Tissues. The daycare said that Billy’s nose is running & he is likely suffering from something contagious. He’s complaining of a sore throat so it’s probably strep.
- Call their mom. If something happens to get out-of-hand while I am in my meeting, call their mom. She is likely at the gym, getting her nails done, or shopping.
- Uncontrollable crying. If either of my kids start to cry uncontrollably, it’s because I have left them with a stranger. Just step away from your desk & take a short breather.
- Tune it out. Keep everyone calm while Billy makes animal noises or sings his favorite song. If anyone mentions the disturbance, just tell them to tune it out.
- Nap Time. My meeting may run a little long and into the kid’s regular nap time. They may become cranky. Make a spot under your desk and I will wake them when I get back.
Disclaimer: Follow your company’s policies regarding whether or not to bring your kids to work. Disregarding company policies can get you fired. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.
I came into the office today with a great attitude! For once, I wanted to sit in my executive black leather chair and zone out for half the day. Our biggest customer was on my tail late last night about meeting deadlines. A knock on my door is the last thing that I want to hear.
What I have come to realize is that my office is filled with incompetent employees who need me for everything. There are some useful fear tactics that I’ve picked up to discourage time wasters from asking questions.
When my solace is interrupted by that first knock on my door, I make an example of that employee so the rest of the office knows the status of my mood.
- Yelling – I love it! It just makes me feel in control. My voice echoing through the office from my gut reminds everyone who calls the shots. It’s not just about howling thunderous words for no real reason. I attack their intelligence and common sense for asking the question in the first place. The purpose is for all eyes to focus on this individual as an example; to keep their heads down and work. Some of my favorite phrases are, “What do you want NOW?!”, or “Oh, it’s YOU again!?!”, or “Go back to your desk and FIGURE it OUT!”, or “IF I have to do your job, then WHY do I have you here?!”
- Throwing Things – Now, I am baffled when they don’t immediately retreat back to their desk. Which proves that they are just stupid. This is when I resort to throwing things. I throw anything that is within arms reach on my desk. Usually this is something large enough to make them think, but small enough to avoid a lawsuit. After all, it’s his words against mine. Objects usually consist of paper, pencils, paper clips, my stapler, a book; you get the picture. It’s doesn’t matter if I hit them or not, it’s the act of throwing things that gets MY point across.
- Physical Contact – Usually the first two tactics are enough. No one is going to challenge my authority after that humiliation. Still, I have had to push or shove a few employees out of my office. Right after their leg crosses the threshold, I will either close or even slam the door behind them to enforce my point. I have enough pressures to deal with than allowing loiters in my office. I have pressures from ABOVE, BELOW, and from the SIDES! This should more than justify my behavior.
- Be Unapproachable – In order to keep pesky employees from bringing their irritating questions to me, I have also learned to be unapproachable. One way that I do this is by keeping my office door shut at all times. When my office phone rings, I don’t answer it unless it’s my boss. If you don’t already have caller ID, I recommend it. Screen your calls! Employees only deserve so much of your time! My last point of advise is to only respond to E-mails if absolutely necessary, but whenever possible, reply to all, include text in ALL CAPS, and make sure the tone is filled with tyranny, condescendence, and sarcasm.
Disclaimer: Always treat people with respect and how you would want to be treated. Yelling, throwing things, physical contact, and being unapproachable shows that you lack leadership skills. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.