Bad Boss

Melinda Longoria, MSM

Behind my back, some of my employees have been grumbling that they think I hate them. How do I know? Well, my little office pet told me. The playing field is NOT level in my office because I play favorites! I’m vindictive so get with the program. I show people not to mess around with me.

There are a few folks on my team who probably shouldn’t be there. This is my clique of like-minded robot followers. I only tolerate bad work from those who I like. If that’s not you, as your boss, I’ll make your life miserable. So, keep your head down and watch your back.

If you’re not one of my brownnosers, I will pit one of my favored employees against you. I get a lot of pleasure from watching the tension mount! I may even get involved and stir the pot by divulging details to fuel the fire. Disputes and conflicts are at an all time high in my department.

You may find that I will whisper to those who are on my side while we are plotting. To protect my position, I will avoid risk at all costs and steer clear of any person who I choose. If there is a new position open, I most definitely will already know who I’ve picked to promote before the deliberations.

At meetings, I don’t waste my time. I will engage more with the senior management than with any member of my staff. Protecting my best interests is the name of my game. Any of the good assignments suggested by my superiors will be given to my little favorite robot.

Here are four signs that you’re not on my list of favorites:

  1. No mentoring or coaching.
  2. Nothing you do will please me.
  3. I will give you the cold shoulder.
  4. You will be excluded from promotions.

Figure out what it means to please me so that you can be a superstar today; or fall into a black hole tomorrow. But, even if you try to make my life easier, by sucking up, or making yourself “front and center”, don’t expect anything from it. If you confront me on this issue, I will deny everything.

I’m only looking out for me.

Disclaimer: A manager should deal with all employees fairly. A manager who plays favorites hinders the development and productivity of their department. Bad Boss posts are for entertainment purposes and should not be taken seriously. If you want to be a good boss, do the opposite.

The general bad boss job description, like a general manager, will surely assist you in attracting other candidates who are qualified for the job of Bad Boss. Feel free to modify this job description with job qualifications and duties which fit your position.

Position: General Bad Boss

Pay Rate: DOE, More $ than Peons

Location: Cutthroat, Island 79999

Schedule: Regular Employee’s Schedule 9-5.

Yours will be 9:30AM-4:50PM & 2 HR Lunch Break

Job Duties: 

  • Poor planning. – Does not set objectives. Does not set goals for the group or understand what work needs to be done to meet those goals. Waits until a crisis and then delegates.
  • Disorganized. – Procrastination is used on a daily basis to get nowhere. Time Management skills are absolutely not necessary to complete this job.
  • Demotivates and disengages. – Yelling, throwing things, physical contact. Being unapproachable. Hover like a helicopter. Use your employees as a shield.
  • Oblivious and clueless about the job. – In general, you will be required to take over responsibilities that you know nothing about. You don’t have to hide it.
  • Keeps people where they are. – Does not develop their employee’s skills. Can’t or unwilling to define a strategy or direction. Lack of an ongoing strategy.

Skills / Qualifications:

NO management or leadership training required. NO reading on the subject required. We are looking for a complainer, with a rude attitude, and the following skills and qualifications:

  • Procrastinator.
  • Micromanaging skills.
  • Poor Time Management.
  • Lack of prioritizing skills.
  • A “Just Take Care of It” attitude.
  • People skills are not necessary.
  • Under qualified and incompetent.
  • Talent for making others feel terrible.
  • Vocabulary filled with colorful words.
  • Can’t handle pressure and responsibility.
  • A hands-on approach with your secretary.
  • Multiple personality disorders are necessary.
  • Be a reactionary person without thinking first.
  • The ability to become overwhelmed with worrying.
  • Capacity to blame others and take credit for their work.

Disclaimer: How did they become the boss? What person in their right mind promoted this person? How to be a Bad Boss is meant to be Humourous and the information is for entertainment, not education. Be a Good Boss and do the opposite.

Admin Day – Glad that’s OVER! 

Now, we can all look forward to the REAL celebration…

BOSSES DAY!

ADMIN DAY has to be the most OVERRATED holiday ever! Yesterday, April 23rd, one of the other managers in my office asked, “When was the last time you thanked your secretary?”… FOR WHAT?! Doing her job that I pay her to do? I know that I have thanked her for something…at some point…but I am a busy boss, so…. Then he reminded me that it was administrative professional’s day.

…Administrative Professional’s Day? I thought it was some sort of joke. On my list of priorities, Admin Day ranks right up there with Talk Like a Pirate Day and getting trampled at some store on Black Friday. If I observe this Administrative Assistant’s Day, what’s next? She’ll be wanting Columbus Day off, too?

My coworker mentioned that he forgot Administrative Assistant’s Day last year and he had to hear his secretary complain about it for a month.

How about I just thank my secretary when she does something RIGHT for once?

Let me tell you what admin day should be for… reminding our secretaries of the things they are doing wrong. It should be like a new year’s resolution list for her to improve on to serve me better going into the next year. Or maybe just a short note, to show her that I am thinking of her…

To my secretary on Administrative Assistant’s Day:

Going forward, my coffee should be in my hand,

hot and delicious, when I arrive to the office.

My note will be followed by her gift, which will consist of a day off WITHOUT PAY to attend a career development seminar or training.

Trailer: NINE TO FIVE (Special Secretary’s Day Screening) from Nitehawk Cinema on Vimeo.

Disclaimer: Show your secretary that you appreciate her by acknowledging her hard work on secretary’s day. Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not to be taken seriously.

I applied for a management job that I was unqualified for and I had no idea how to do. But, hey, I’m a boss now, and you can be one TOO! …Just fake it until you make it!

The first step to fake it until you make it is to get the job. This is basically just about appearing confident that you can do the job, even if you can’t. Whatever the job description says, try to be that person. Take some acting classes to prepare for your big day. In your job interview, there are two basic things you need to do to fake it until you make it.

  1. Dress the part.
  2. Pretend that you know stuff…

If you fake it until you make it, once you’re in your new management position, you might find that you don’t know what’s going on most, if not ALL, of the time. Maybe you don’t know what to do to get the job done….Don’t worry!

Get your employees to teach you!

Never directly ask an employee how to do something. This will surely blow your cover! Instead, question the task at hand. For example, just say, “What would YOU do in this situation?” Try to draw your employee into a position where they will explain the task without knowing that you don’t understand.

If this fails… delegate, delegate, delegate! Tell your peon employee that you need them to take over whatever task it is. Make them feel important. This will motivate them. Say they are inheriting a task that is only worthy of their time.

You might respond, “That sounds good. Since you know so much about this, I want you to take over this account!” After your employee accepts the new assignment, set a deadline for its completion.

You’ll catch on soon enough. But if you don’t, just call in sick on days that you feel overwhelmed.

Disclaimer: If you are offered a position that you can’t do, it is unethical to accept it. PMI Code of Conduct – You should only accept a position that is consistent with your background, experience, skills, and qualifications. Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not to be taken seriously.

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