The Perfectionist Boss

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The Perfectionist Boss

I am a perfectionist boss. Everything is perfect because of me. That’s it. Just for reading my words, I have already made you smarter. Your welcome.

My work, how my employees’ work, and even how the stapler is placed on my desk, must be perfect. Everything I see and touch, must be up to my expectations. This doesn’t just stop for me; it goes to my employees as well. I can’t just let them be imperfect while I strive so hard to get everything to perfection. Sure, they get their tasks done at the end of the day, but was it done to perfection? Never. My employees need me to constantly correct them and show them how perfect I am. Here are some things I do to make my department a perfect place to work.

Never Change – Since I’m perfect, and have been so for so long, there’s no need to change. I remind my employees this by stomping their ideas out. When they talk about new things, business ideas or market approach, I remind them of how stupid they are and how perfect I am, therefore my department will never change.

Crushing ambitions – I can never fail. My employees will ruin my perfect image if they fail in trying new things so I have to be overly critical to myself and anyone around me. I extinguish any form of hope. No matter how promising their new ideas may sound, I simply cannot take the risk that it ends up in a failure, not even once. I remind them of this through rejection. I make sure my employees have absolutely zero space for creativity at the workplace.

Never be open-minded – New people, interests and passions are not for me and I simply do not waste my time with them. An open mind allows contaminates and idiotic ideas in which taints perfections. A closed mind is shielded from such stupidity and remains pure, and perfect. When an employee says “I have an idea,” I interrupt them by saying “I’ve already thought about that, my idea is better.”

I’m a perfectionist, and my perspective is the ONLY perspective. Everyone working under me must follow my ways and STOP SCREWING UP!!!

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and not to be take seriously.

 

How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! – The Bad Boss Way

How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! –

The Bad Boss Way

Let’s be honest, there is no set procedure for firing employees in the Bad Boss’s office. Some of my colleagues say that firing someone is never fun, but I disagree. It’s a necessary part of my job that I’ve perfected. As an executive, I’ve fired as much as 500 employees. But, I really take pleasure in firing just one.

How to Fire an Employee - You're Fired - The Bad Boss WayMy two favorite words to say at the office, “You’re Fired”. There are many reasons for firing employees.

  1. Who did you vote for? “You’re Fired”.
  2. That’s my parking spot, “You’re Fired”.
  3. You got hurt on the job? “You’re Fired”.
  4. That skirt isn’t short enough, “You’re Fired”.
  5. I said that I wanted a decaf latte, “You’re Fired”.
  6. You’ve gained too much weight, “You’re Fired.”
  7. The printer is jammed, fix it or…”You’re Fired.”
  8. You looked at me the wrong way, “You’re Fired”.
  9. Just falsify those insurance claims, or…”You’re Fired”.
  10. You took off work to care for your sick parent? “You’re Fired”.
  11. You got in a car accident and can’t do your job? “You’re Fired”.
  12. You smell like you haven’t had a bath in a week, “You’re Fired.”
  13. The lie detector test is mandatory. You declined, so…”You’re Fired.”
  14. Unsafe working conditions are not the problem here. “You’re Fired”.
  15. You got pregnant? I’m not paying for your medical leave, “You’re Fired.”
  16. Refusing to take blame for my failed project is unacceptable, “You’re Fired.”
  17. Human Resources said that you’ve been complaining about me. “You’re FIred”.
  18. I need to get some young blood in, and as the oldest loser here, I’m afraid, “Your Fired.”

Rules to follow when Firing an Employee…

There are a few rules that I personally follow, as a bad boss, when firing an employee.

Go through the motion of firing the employee like you’re a robot. Never make eye contact! But, if you enjoy it, then look them straight in the eyes with distaste while you are doing it. Don’t explain yourself. “You’re Fired,” is a self explanatory statement. There is never a need to soften the blow by thanking them for their efforts or apologizing. Having a member of Human Resources involved the conversation is not necessary, as firing an employee is usually just a spur-of-the-moment decision. Give them about five seconds, to process the information, before walking away or motioning for them to leave your office. If your freshly terminated employee has any questions, direct them to the HR office so that you do not have to be present during any uncomfortable conversations.

‘You’re Fired’ Gift Cards…

Why not get some ‘You’re Fired’ Gift cards printed and keep a collection in your office? You can use these to send to people who work at another location, who are on vacation, or you can put them in the mail if you have a lot of people to fire in a day and don’t want to hear all that wailing and screaming.

Firing Employees by Social Media…

Also, I think now with social media it is acceptable to not only fire people by card, but also by email, text message, tweet, and facebook post. This way all their friends will know at the same time, saving your terminants from having to break the bad news to friends, partners, and colleagues.

Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and not to be take seriously. Nearly all of the reasons for firing an employee listed above are illegal. To learn the right way to let an employee go, please view the links below:

 How to Fire Someone – The Right Way…

Conducting a Job Interview – The Bad Boss Way

Interview

Conducting a Job Interview – How to Be a Bad Boss.

First, get yourself prepared for the interview. Call in all the job applicants on the same day to sit in a lobby area that is crowded. Do not schedule specific time slots for each interviewee based on their availability. If they really want the job, they will make their whole day open. The extra waiting time also makes the candidates nervous as they eyeball each other and wonder who is better qualified for the position. Have your secretary make note of anyone who is visibly sweating. This person may crack under pressure and would be a liability to your team. Dismiss that person immediately.

The interview introduction.

Make the candidate aware that you are not interested in friendly chit chat. Humanizing the interview process is not a priority right now. Start by saying, “Listen, I have fifty other candidates sitting in my lobby waiting to be interviewed for this job. We are short on time today so let’s just get started, what is your name again?” Even though you ask for their name, don’t ever address them by their name at any time during the interview. This distinguishes a barrier between the boss and potential employee. You may ask for their name again at any time during the interview. Don’t smile or make any friendly gestures like hand shaking.

Talk about YOU; not them…

Next, catch them off-guard and start talking about yourself; not the interviewee. This is a direct contradiction of what you just said about not having time for friendly chit-chat. Express your mental thoughts about yourself allowed and see how he reacts. Talk about the company, your job, your background, and anything but the interviewee. Throw in some random questions about these topics and then appear that the interviewee gave the wrong answer to whatever question you asked. Make sure that your facial expressions are sour and of distaste or disappointment. If the job applicant starts to get nervous, point this out, and dismiss him immediately.

Hammer them with inappropriate interview questions.

If the job applicant makes it through your monologue without becoming nervous, the next step is to ask inappropriate questions about the job applicant himself. Inappropriate questions are usually the best at revealing if this person will be compatible with your personal tastes. When they sit down, automatically say, “You have three seconds to answer each question. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.” If they answer with more than two or three words, interrupt them with the next question.

  • “Are you a U.S. Citizen?”
  • “What is your native tongue?”
  • “What religion are you?”
  • “How old are you?”
  • “Do you have children?”
  • “How much do you weigh?”
  • “Do you live nearby?”
  • “What’s your sexual preference?”
  • “Are you married or seeing anyone?”
  • “What do you think about interoffice dating?”

Wrap the job interview up….

At this point, if you find that you don’t like the job applicant’s answers to any of your questions, ask them to leave immediately. Tell them that they are not suited for your job based on their answers. IF you still want to consider the applicant, now is a good time to wrap the interview up. Do not ask the candidate if they have any questions about the job they are interviewing for. This will prolong your interview. These types of things can be discussed later. Take a personal call and wave in your secretary to take the interviewee out of your office. She will explain that you will be in touch, but without giving a specific time frame for this possible communication.

Bad Job Interview…

Disclaimer: Bad boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously. For a guide on how to correctly conduct a job interview, check out these two links below:

HubPages

The Importance of Being a Yes Man

The Importance of Being a Yes Man

The Importance of Being a Yes Man – How to Be a Bad Boss

Many people say that it’s not a good idea to be a yes man, but I have a different thought on this.

Do you really think your boss appreciates it when you disagree with him?

Of course not!

No Boss really wants people disagreeing with him, telling him that he’s wrong, or even worse, proving to him that he’s wrong.

This is a real no no and in short: career suicide. It’s career suicide for a couple of reasons.

  1. If he is wrong, it’s best not to say anything, because if he has really screwed up, the result might lead to a leadership position opening up; and
  2. If he’s right, by some fluke, you disagreeing with him is just going to make you look like an idiot as well piss him off, and potentially limit your career.

So all in all, the safest and best option is to always agree with your boss no matter what! And who knows, the idiot may even turn out to be right. You know what they say, “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut some day”.

However, when it comes to my team, it’s truly different, they rarely ever disagree with me.

Especially not in public, as often this results in me shouting at them and correcting them,  which basically just makes them look stupid, so they know to toe the line.

Also, Yes Men always go much further in my organisation, as I know I can rely on them to do what I need without nitpicking all the time.

Why would I promote someone who constantly challenges everything I do and say, and needs to be repeatedly corrected.

Not going to happen, my time is way too short.

It’s so much easier and quicker to promote people who just know instinctively what’s right, and more importantly who’s right. 🙂

However, there are times when I do encourage a difference of opinion from my teams, but usually this is just so I can make an example of someone and have a bit of fun.

It’s a great way of teaching the new members of the team what’s expected of them. Plus I always love that look of surprise on their face when they realise just how wrong they are.

Yes Man Trailer…

Reference: Warner Brothers YES MAN starring Jim Carrey.

Disclaimer: Bad Boss is meant for amusement and the advice or recommendations should not be taken seriously. Learn about the trouble with being a Yes Man from Gordon Tredgold at the link below:


 

…because good guys finish last.

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