Bribery, Kickbacks, and Payoffs in Procurement

Bribe Handshake

Should I accept bribes, kickbacks, and payoffs? Of course!

Why? Because I get free stuff.

I am very honest when dealing with vendors and suppliers who want to do business with me. Since honesty is my greatest trait, I inform them up front that bribes, kickbacks and payoffs influence my decision to do business with them. Since choosing a vendor or supplier can be a tedious and difficult task, evaluating which ones provide the best bribes helps differentiate them.

Since each supplier competing with each other will offer the same basic services or goods, accepting bribes makes choosing one so much easier. Why make my job harder by researching quotes and evaluating service contracts? I’m a boss, I’ve got better things to do.

A great haggling tactic I use is to double book appointments between competitors. So while two potential vendors are sitting in the waiting room sizing each other up, I am entertaining the first one. I then escort the first vendor into the lobby and greet the second one by his company name. I then tell the third vendor I will be with him shortly. Introducing this honest competition will encourage ambition and up the quality of gifts offered. The best part is that since all bidders are paying for my influence, only one of them will get it. And I get to keep ALL the gifts whether they win or lose.

To eliminate any possible confusion, I provide a shopping list to each supplier or vendor. Some examples are:

  • liquor
  • gourmet food
  • concert tickets
  • expensive suits
  • sporting event tickets
  • all expense paid vacations
  • use of corporate vehicles
  • children’s designer clothes
  • and envelopes filled with cash.

Disclaimer: Accepting bribes, kickbacks, and payoffs is illegal. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace. 

Leadership and Sexual Harassment

sexual harrasmentWhen you become a Boss it’s important to know the impact that this has on the opposite sex.

Women love men in power and quite often you will find yourself being targeted by the fairer sex, and quite possibly, sexually harassed.

It might just be a flirty pat on the bottom, suggestive chatter, or an attempt to get a kiss at the Christmas Party.

How to handle this?

Well, you could report this to HR, but too often, it’s the victim of the harassment who finds themselves in the dock.

Everyone knows that having leadership positions make you more attractive, and questions will be asked as to what you did to prevent the harassment from happening and if you’re answers aren’t good enough you may find yourself accused of having invited the harassment.

Let’s face it the staff were just having a bit of innocent fun, so reporting them to HR  might spoil the office morale.

A better approach is to embrace your new found attractiveness and play along with the staff, both the female and also male.

With the male staff you can share lewd jokes and your appreciation of the female staff, this will make them feel you’re one of the lads and will increase your popularity with them.

With the female staff, you can wink and be suggestive with the uglier ones, but save your bottom patting for the more attractive one. Remember as leader you do have a reputation to maintain.

With a bit of understanding and playfulness you can turn what would have been a potential problem for you into a morale boosting opportunity.

Disclaimer: Sexual harassment is illegal. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace. 

The Leadership Gap

stay awayWhen you get promoted to a senior position, the first thing you need to do is to create gap between you and your team, a Leadership Gap.

This will clearly show to anyone who is the boss without them having to ask.

You are now a senior manger, your staff are just grunts, also rans, and it is not good for your image to remain to close to them.

This is doubly true for any of your former colleagues with whom you were friends, as now they will be looking to get benefits from having a boss as a friend. Clearly this isn’t going to happen, but by distancing yourself form them you can save them from that embarrassment.

But remember a boss can only be friendly with other bosses, not his employees, and there are a couple of reasons for this: your friends define who you ware, so now as boss your friends need to be other bosses; and you need to ensure there are no emotional ties as firing them will be much easier.

To create the gap there are a number of things you can do, and here are a few suggestions:

  • Ensure that your secretary sits between your office door and the plebs, ensuring that she can stop any casual visits
  • Have you secretary screen all your phones call
  • Eat in the senior management dinning room, a good lunch can often be spoiled by listening to the little people problems, and lets face it you’ve earned it
  • Walk briskly with your head down, avoiding eye contact
  • Remain in your office as much as possible as this will limit any opportunistic meetings
  • Get your secretary to keep your diary as full as possible, ensuring that people need to book a least 3 weeks in advance if they want to book a meeting, this will deter many from even trying
  • Randomly cancel 1-2-1 meetings just to remind them that you’re in charge

The more of these suggestions you can implement the bigger the Leadership Gap you will create, and the more Senior you will appear.

Disclaimer: Always treat people with respect and how you would want to be treated. Remember, you would not be in your current position without your employees. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.

Free Babysitters!

Child Care

My kids are well behaved and adorable, yet my employees complain when I bring them to work. I work in a business which has a strict policy against this, but I am the boss. I call the shots here in my office. Free childcare is on my agenda.

Do my kids interfere with my secretary’s ability to do her job? Do I care? More than likely they are with me because their regular daycare has asked me to pick them up due to a high fever, which is out of my control. My secretary just needs to focus on the rules that I have set for her when caring for my children to avoid a meltdown.

  1. Do not correct my kids. Sure, little Billy chases you around and yells, “You’re fired!” He is my protege and will someday follow in my footsteps.
  2. Give them what they want. If Susie asks for that candy bar, highlighter, or paper on your desk; better hand it over. Susie is used to getting what she wants.
  3. Count to ten. If my kids start getting loud by hollering or running around the office, just count to ten. Counting warns them that their behavior is unacceptable.
  4. The Paper Shredder. Keep both of my kids away from the paper shredder. Last time Susie jammed cardboard in. It was throwing sparks and smoking when I used it.
  5. Potty training. We are in the process of potty training Susie. If she says that she has to go, that absolutely can’t wait! She will go in her pants.
  6. Snot Tissues. The daycare said that Billy’s nose is running & he is likely suffering from something contagious. He’s complaining of a sore throat so it’s probably strep.
  7. Call their mom. If something happens to get out-of-hand while I am in my meeting, call their mom. She is likely at the gym, getting her nails done, or shopping.
  8. Uncontrollable crying. If either of my kids start to cry uncontrollably, it’s because I have left them with a stranger. Just step away from your desk & take a short breather.
  9. Tune it out. Keep everyone calm while Billy makes animal noises or sings his favorite song. If anyone mentions the disturbance, just tell them to tune it out.
  10. Nap Time. My meeting may run a little long and into the kid’s regular nap time. They may become cranky. Make a spot under your desk and I will wake them when I get back.

Disclaimer: Follow your company’s policies regarding whether or not to bring your kids to work. Disregarding company policies can get you fired. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.

…because good guys finish last.

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