Five Ways to be a Hands OFF, Paper Shuffler

hands-off

As a boss, I understand how important it is to establish strong relationships with my direct reports. That’s why I don’t establish strong relationships with my direct reports. I avoid getting involved in ‘messy’ interpersonal relationships. Leaving them alone is exactly what’s needed for my team to sink or swim. We work in a jungle and my employees need to learn how to survive. They should know how to do their job, so why should I care how they do it, just as long as it gets done?

I have learned that certain behaviors keep my employees beneath me. Here is my list of what my employees can expect of me as a hands OFF boss.

  1. I don’t get involved. I have learned that intervening hinders the employees experience and can develop a needy personality. The employee will begin to rely on me and give up trying all together. It’s best just to let them work their problems out on their own and never, EVER, speak of personal problems to me.

  2. I don’t clarify. I find it best to let my employees think for themselves and figure things out on their own. It’s best to keep my employees in the dark regarding the direction of the company so you can surprise them with bad news and impossible deadlines. This keeps them alert and always attentive. Sometimes when I’m bored, I will purposely provide direction in the form of riddles or leave muffled instructions on my answering machine for them to follow.

  3. I don’t set goals for employees. It’s best for your employee to work under you aimlessly, and without a clear career path. Providing goals for improvement just disappoints them when they can’t reach your high expectations. I just tell them they hold a unique “hybrid” position and that I can “plug and play” them into many roles. They feel versatile and elite, when truly they are just working in circles, under me…forever.

  4. I don’t give positive feedback. Employees love being looked down on and insulted. I’m sure studies have shown that employees are born with the desire for verbal abuse, and will quit if treated nicely. Treating employees nice breaks the spell and they realize they are better off working for someone else.

  5. I’m never timely or decisive. Regarding their personal schedules and issues, it means nothing. Employees enjoy being disregarded and forgotten. By never giving my employees a straight answer on raises, vacations, etc., keeps them anticipating. They continually believe I’m actually contemplating their request. Since their lives are meager and uneventful, this extends a little excitement and hope to them.

Disclaimer:  Building interpersonal relationships is good leadership and creates high-performance teams. Bad Boss posts are for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken seriously.  Be a Good Boss and do the opposite.

Hiring – General Manager – Job Description – BIG $$

The general bad boss job description, like a general manager, will surely assist you in attracting other candidates who are qualified for the job of Bad Boss. Feel free to modify this job description with job qualifications and duties which fit your position.

Position: General Bad Boss

Pay Rate: DOE, More $ than Peons

Location: Cutthroat, Island 79999

Schedule: Regular Employee’s Schedule 9-5.

Yours will be 9:30AM-4:50PM & 2 HR Lunch Break

Job Duties: 

  • Poor planning. – Does not set objectives. Does not set goals for the group or understand what work needs to be done to meet those goals. Waits until a crisis and then delegates.
  • Disorganized. – Procrastination is used on a daily basis to get nowhere. Time Management skills are absolutely not necessary to complete this job.
  • Demotivates and disengages. – Yelling, throwing things, physical contact. Being unapproachable. Hover like a helicopter. Use your employees as a shield.
  • Oblivious and clueless about the job. – In general, you will be required to take over responsibilities that you know nothing about. You don’t have to hide it.
  • Keeps people where they are. – Does not develop their employee’s skills. Can’t or unwilling to define a strategy or direction. Lack of an ongoing strategy.

Skills / Qualifications:

NO management or leadership training required. NO reading on the subject required. We are looking for a complainer, with a rude attitude, and the following skills and qualifications:

  • Procrastinator.
  • Micromanaging skills.
  • Poor Time Management.
  • Lack of prioritizing skills.
  • A “Just Take Care of It” attitude.
  • People skills are not necessary.
  • Under qualified and incompetent.
  • Talent for making others feel terrible.
  • Vocabulary filled with colorful words.
  • Can’t handle pressure and responsibility.
  • A hands-on approach with your secretary.
  • Multiple personality disorders are necessary.
  • Be a reactionary person without thinking first.
  • The ability to become overwhelmed with worrying.
  • Capacity to blame others and take credit for their work.

Disclaimer: How did they become the boss? What person in their right mind promoted this person? How to be a Bad Boss is meant to be Humourous and the information is for entertainment, not education. Be a Good Boss and do the opposite.

Decisions And How To Avoid Them

decisionsDecisions are one of the biggest threats to a Bosses reputation you that will find, get a decision wrong and it can damage your career for years.

The best approach is to avoid making risky decisions and you can do this by:

 

  • waiting, and waiting until it’s obvious what the right decision is
  • delegate it to one of your team, it doesn’t matter who, you just want to be free of this
  • leave it to your boss, tell him its too important a decision for someone at your level to make
  • bring in a scapegoat to make it for you, that’s what most bosses do any way

When you have no choice but to make a decision, then make sure that you involve as many people as possible, get their suggestions and recommendations.

This has a couple of great benefits, people often like to be involved in decision making and it will make them respect you more as a boss, and it allows you to either blame one of you’re experts, or argue that this was the obvious decision, the one that any manager would have made, using the groups view as evidence.

Where ever possible get minutes of the meeting showing the decision was clearly a group effort, as this will help deflect any blame if it goes wrong.

If it’s a particularly risky decision forward the minutes to the boss as soon as the decisions is made, so that he can see the decision, and you can always argue that he had been kept in the loop, and as you hadn’t received any feedback, you assumed that he was in agreement. This allows you to imply that the decision was your bosses, even though they may not have even read the memo.

One thing to be really aware of, are those decisions which looks like simple decisions, but in fact turns out to be a nightmare. This has the death of many young executive.

The best approach here, again, is avoidance and as they look like simple decisions no one will criticise you for delegating them to your team. So it’s win win for you, you’re not to blame and no one will ask why you delegated it. It would actually be win win win, if you take into account the development of your team, but who are we kidding, this is just an exercise in ass covering.

Decisions are dangerous and can kill careers if we get them wrong, so do whatever is necessary, to make sure they have someone else’s finger prints on them.

 

Disclaimer: How to be a Bad Boss is meant to be Humourous and the information is for entertainment, not education. Be a Good Boss and do the opposite.


The Importance of Delegation

deelgationWhy is delegation important?

Well the more of your work that you can get done by your staff, the more time you will have to do the more important things like: play golf with Suppliers; suck up to your boss; suck up to your bosses boss; meet with competitors to see it they have any vacancies which maybe of interest to you; and lastly networking which is basically just another word for all the previous things, but it sounds more impressive.

If you’re staff don’t seem to be too happy with you delegating them all your work to them, just remind them that you are developing them, giving them a taste of senior management, and this will position them so that one day they can take over your job. So really you’re doing them a favour.

The more we can delegate our work, the easier it will be to move on to bigger and better things if a new more senior position becomes available. The worst thing you can do ,is do so much of your own work such that its difficult from your boss to promote you because he’s dependent upon you.  Many hard working bosses fall into this trap, they make it impossible for them to be promoted because they are the only one who can do their job.

What if your team are not up to be doing some of your work?

Well ask yourself is it important if its done well, if the answer is no, then get them to do it anyway, you can always fire them if they screw up, which will serve a warning to the others.

If it is important, then look to either bring in a contractor or consultant to do the work. Whilst it might seem an expensive solution at first glance, remember your doing this to free up your time to look to improve your career, so actually its a really an investment in you.

Bosses who don’t delegate get stuck at their current management level, and this is why delegation is important, as it allows us to move on to bigger and better things.

 

Disclaimer: How to be a Bad Boss is meant to be humorous and these posts should not be taken seriously.


…because good guys finish last.

%d bloggers like this: