I came into the office today with a great attitude! For once, I wanted to sit in my executive black leather chair and zone out for half the day. Our biggest customer was on my tail late last night about meeting deadlines. A knock on my door is the last thing that I want to hear.
What I have come to realize is that my office is filled with incompetent employees who need me for everything. There are some useful fear tactics that I’ve picked up to discourage time wasters from asking questions.
When my solace is interrupted by that first knock on my door, I make an example of that employee so the rest of the office knows the status of my mood.
- Yelling – I love it! It just makes me feel in control. My voice echoing through the office from my gut reminds everyone who calls the shots. It’s not just about howling thunderous words for no real reason. I attack their intelligence and common sense for asking the question in the first place. The purpose is for all eyes to focus on this individual as an example; to keep their heads down and work. Some of my favorite phrases are, “What do you want NOW?!”, or “Oh, it’s YOU again!?!”, or “Go back to your desk and FIGURE it OUT!”, or “IF I have to do your job, then WHY do I have you here?!”
- Throwing Things – Now, I am baffled when they don’t immediately retreat back to their desk. Which proves that they are just stupid. This is when I resort to throwing things. I throw anything that is within arms reach on my desk. Usually this is something large enough to make them think, but small enough to avoid a lawsuit. After all, it’s his words against mine. Objects usually consist of paper, pencils, paper clips, my stapler, a book; you get the picture. It’s doesn’t matter if I hit them or not, it’s the act of throwing things that gets MY point across.
- Physical Contact – Usually the first two tactics are enough. No one is going to challenge my authority after that humiliation. Still, I have had to push or shove a few employees out of my office. Right after their leg crosses the threshold, I will either close or even slam the door behind them to enforce my point. I have enough pressures to deal with than allowing loiters in my office. I have pressures from ABOVE, BELOW, and from the SIDES! This should more than justify my behavior.
- Be Unapproachable – In order to keep pesky employees from bringing their irritating questions to me, I have also learned to be unapproachable. One way that I do this is by keeping my office door shut at all times. When my office phone rings, I don’t answer it unless it’s my boss. If you don’t already have caller ID, I recommend it. Screen your calls! Employees only deserve so much of your time! My last point of advise is to only respond to E-mails if absolutely necessary, but whenever possible, reply to all, include text in ALL CAPS, and make sure the tone is filled with tyranny, condescendence, and sarcasm.
Disclaimer: Always treat people with respect and how you would want to be treated. Yelling, throwing things, physical contact, and being unapproachable shows that you lack leadership skills. This post is an example of what some bad bosses do and should NOT be done. We are not responsible for the use of this example literally in the workplace.