Business Law, Human Resources April 30, 2014 Melinda Longoria, MSM

How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! –

Let’s be honest, there is no set procedure for firing employees in the Bad Boss’s office. Some of my colleagues say that firing someone is never fun, but I disagree. It’s a necessary part of my job that I’ve perfected. As an executive, I’ve fired as much as 500 employees. But, I really take pleasure in firing just one.

My two favorite words to say at the office, “You’re Fired”. There are many reasons for firing employees.

  1. Who did you vote for? “You’re Fired”.
  2. That’s my parking spot, “You’re Fired”.
  3. You got hurt on the job? “You’re Fired”.
  4. That skirt isn’t short enough, “You’re Fired”.
  5. I said that I wanted a decaf latte, “You’re Fired”.
  6. You’ve gained too much weight, “You’re Fired.”
  7. The printer is jammed, fix it or…”You’re Fired.”
  8. You looked at me the wrong way, “You’re Fired”.
  9. Just falsify those insurance claims, or…”You’re Fired”.
  10. You took off work to care for your sick parent? “You’re Fired”.
  11. You got in a car accident and can’t do your job? “You’re Fired”.
  12. You smell like you haven’t had a bath in a week, “You’re Fired.”
  13. The lie detector test is mandatory. You declined, so…”You’re Fired.”
  14. Unsafe working conditions are not the problem here. “You’re Fired”.
  15. You got pregnant? I’m not paying for your medical leave, “You’re Fired.”
  16. Refusing to take blame for my failed project is unacceptable, “You’re Fired.”
  17. Human Resources said that you’ve been complaining about me. “You’re FIred”.
  18. I need to get some young blood in, and as the oldest loser here, I’m afraid, “Your Fired.”

Rules to follow when Firing an Employee…

There are a few rules that I personally follow, as a bad boss, when firing an employee.

Go through the motion of firing the employee like you’re a robot. Never make eye contact! But, if you enjoy it, then look them straight in the eyes with distaste while you are doing it. Don’t explain yourself. “You’re Fired,” is a self explanatory statement. There is never a need to soften the blow by thanking them for their efforts or apologizing. Having a member of Human Resources involved the conversation is not necessary, as firing an employee is usually just a spur-of-the-moment decision. Give them about five seconds, to process the information, before walking away or motioning for them to leave your office. If your freshly terminated employee has any questions, direct them to the HR office so that you do not have to be present during any uncomfortable conversations.

‘You’re Fired’ Gift Cards…

Why not get some ‘You’re Fired’ Gift cards printed and keep a collection in your office? You can use these to send to people who work at another location, who are on vacation, or you can put them in the mail if you have a lot of people to fire in a day and don’t want to hear all that wailing and screaming.

Firing Employees by Social Media…

Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and not to be take seriously. Nearly all of the reasons for firing an employee listed above are illegal. To learn the right way to let an employee go, please view the links below:

 How to Fire Someone – The Right Way…

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