How to Fire an Employee – You’re Fired! –
Let’s be honest, there is no set procedure for firing employees in the Bad Boss’s office. Some of my colleagues say that firing someone is never fun, but I disagree. It’s a necessary part of my job that I’ve perfected. As an executive, I’ve fired as much as 500 employees. But, I really take pleasure in firing just one.
My two favorite words to say at the office, “You’re Fired”. There are many reasons for firing employees.
- Who did you vote for? “You’re Fired”.
- That’s my parking spot, “You’re Fired”.
- You got hurt on the job? “You’re Fired”.
- That skirt isn’t short enough, “You’re Fired”.
- I said that I wanted a decaf latte, “You’re Fired”.
- You’ve gained too much weight, “You’re Fired.”
- The printer is jammed, fix it or…”You’re Fired.”
- You looked at me the wrong way, “You’re Fired”.
- Just falsify those insurance claims, or…”You’re Fired”.
- You took off work to care for your sick parent? “You’re Fired”.
- You got in a car accident and can’t do your job? “You’re Fired”.
- You smell like you haven’t had a bath in a week, “You’re Fired.”
- The lie detector test is mandatory. You declined, so…”You’re Fired.”
- Unsafe working conditions are not the problem here. “You’re Fired”.
- You got pregnant? I’m not paying for your medical leave, “You’re Fired.”
- Refusing to take blame for my failed project is unacceptable, “You’re Fired.”
- Human Resources said that you’ve been complaining about me. “You’re FIred”.
- I need to get some young blood in, and as the oldest loser here, I’m afraid, “Your Fired.”
Rules to follow when Firing an Employee…
There are a few rules that I personally follow, as a bad boss, when firing an employee.
Go through the motion of firing the employee like you’re a robot. Never make eye contact! But, if you enjoy it, then look them straight in the eyes with distaste while you are doing it. Don’t explain yourself. “You’re Fired,” is a self explanatory statement. There is never a need to soften the blow by thanking them for their efforts or apologizing. Having a member of Human Resources involved the conversation is not necessary, as firing an employee is usually just a spur-of-the-moment decision. Give them about five seconds, to process the information, before walking away or motioning for them to leave your office. If your freshly terminated employee has any questions, direct them to the HR office so that you do not have to be present during any uncomfortable conversations.
‘You’re Fired’ Gift Cards…
Why not get some ‘You’re Fired’ Gift cards printed and keep a collection in your office? You can use these to send to people who work at another location, who are on vacation, or you can put them in the mail if you have a lot of people to fire in a day and don’t want to hear all that wailing and screaming.
Firing Employees by Social Media…
Disclaimer: Bad Boss posts are meant to be humorous and not to be take seriously. Nearly all of the reasons for firing an employee listed above are illegal. To learn the right way to let an employee go, please view the links below:
How to Fire Someone – The Right Way…
First, get yourself prepared for the interview. Call in all the job applicants on the same day to sit in a lobby area that is crowded. Do not schedule specific time slots for each interviewee based on their availability. If they really want the job, they will make their whole day open. The extra waiting time also makes the candidates nervous as they eyeball each other and wonder who is better qualified for the position. Have your secretary make note of anyone who is visibly sweating. This person may crack under pressure and would be a liability to your team. Dismiss that person immediately.
The interview introduction.
Make the candidate aware that you are not interested in friendly chit chat. Humanizing the interview process is not a priority right now. Start by saying, “Listen, I have fifty other candidates sitting in my lobby waiting to be interviewed for this job. We are short on time today so let’s just get started, what is your name again?” Even though you ask for their name, don’t ever address them by their name at any time during the interview. This distinguishes a barrier between the boss and potential employee. You may ask for their name again at any time during the interview. Don’t smile or make any friendly gestures like hand shaking.
Talk about YOU; not them…
Next, catch them off-guard and start talking about yourself; not the interviewee. This is a direct contradiction of what you just said about not having time for friendly chit-chat. Express your mental thoughts about yourself allowed and see how he reacts. Talk about the company, your job, your background, and anything but the interviewee. Throw in some random questions about these topics and then appear that the interviewee gave the wrong answer to whatever question you asked. Make sure that your facial expressions are sour and of distaste or disappointment. If the job applicant starts to get nervous, point this out, and dismiss him immediately.
Hammer them with inappropriate interview questions.
If the job applicant makes it through your monologue without becoming nervous, the next step is to ask inappropriate questions about the job applicant himself. Inappropriate questions are usually the best at revealing if this person will be compatible with your personal tastes. When they sit down, automatically say, “You have three seconds to answer each question. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.” If they answer with more than two or three words, interrupt them with the next question.
- “Are you a U.S. Citizen?”
- “What is your native tongue?”
- “What religion are you?”
- “How old are you?”
- “Do you have children?”
- “How much do you weigh?”
- “Do you live nearby?”
- “What’s your sexual preference?”
- “Are you married or seeing anyone?”
- “What do you think about interoffice dating?”
Wrap the job interview up….
At this point, if you find that you don’t like the job applicant’s answers to any of your questions, ask them to leave immediately. Tell them that they are not suited for your job based on their answers. IF you still want to consider the applicant, now is a good time to wrap the interview up. Do not ask the candidate if they have any questions about the job they are interviewing for. This will prolong your interview. These types of things can be discussed later. Take a personal call and wave in your secretary to take the interviewee out of your office. She will explain that you will be in touch, but without giving a specific time frame for this possible communication.
Bad Job Interview…
Disclaimer: Bad boss posts are meant to be humorous and should not be taken seriously. For a guide on how to correctly conduct a job interview, check out these two links below: